I Spent My Birthday Alone. And The First Night, I Cried.

Sometimes solitude is simply the freedom to enjoy your own existence. This birthday, I gave myself permission to do exactly that. (Photo Collage Regenerated by ChatGPT from Jasmine's Real Images)

First off...we read…and we don't judge!

So, no husband, no kids, no girlfriends, no itinerary and, most importantly, nobody asking me what we were doing next! It's giving YES! I wasn’t trying to escape my life. I actually love the life God has blessed me with. But your girl just needed a minute to be without considering, producing or pursuing anything...or anyone.

And what I discovered was that my woman within was yearning for a moment to live without compromise, rest without guilt and simply enjoy her own existence. Now that everything has socked in, I'm ready to share this experience with you. Hopefully these revelations inspire you to create space to simply be, sis.

revelation #1 - The First Night, I Cried.

Listen, I get tired of considering, producing and pursuing 

Like most women in this space, I occupy a lot of roles. I’m a wife of 9 years and a mother to two little ones (although I'm not sure 6 counts as a little one anymore). I have a full-time career at the management level and run a one-person marketing firm when my girls are finally asleep, all while leading and encouraging women in their Christian walk. I’m a sister, friend and accountability partner. Needless to say, my days require decisions, responses, deadlines, problem-solving and a constant awareness of what someone or something may need from me. Even the most beautiful parts of life that I once prayed for, and even enjoy, require either consideration, production or pursuit. I don't think we realize the toll that can have on our bodies.

All of that to say, my nervous system was yearning for an opportunity to chill. Choosing to spend my birthday in solitude was not an easy decision. For a while I even debated if it was selfish while considering all the other things I could ‘take care of’ with the money I’d spend on a two night stay. The final confirmation I needed came while I was attending the Woman of Steele business conference as well-known CEOs, millionaires and business executives spoke specifically to the over achieving woman who was silently suffering mentally and physically (AKA Me).

So…my suitcase consisted of lounge sets, my swimsuit and a cute romper-like set just in case I needed to ‘get dressed,’while still respecting my “not doing too much” vibe.

The first night? I cried. A lot. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve been carrying until you finally put it down. And I think that’s what happened to me. I felt a huge release of tension. It was my way of finally allowing my body to say, I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling overextended and weak. I don't feel like the best version of myself. And I'm disappointed in myself.

It was just me, God and my tears. There was no one there for me to be strong for and no reason to pull myself together quickly. So, I didn’t. I just let myself cry. Without words spoken, God knew exactly what every drop meant and His LOVE and GRACE swaddled me like a newborn blanket. And once I got that good cry out of my system, I anointed that room and slept like a baby!

Seriously…I rested. I took my time with everything that I wanted to do whether that was eating some comfort food at the on-site restaurant, sitting poolside or indulging in this new romance novel that my girl put me on to. I actually forgot how much I enjoy getting lost in a physical book instead of listening to an Audible while I multi-task something else.

It took a little adjusting, but with time I created my own self-centered pace.

revelation #2 - The 37 Year Old version of Me needs spaces where I am not responsible for anyone else’s experience.

Not only was my nervous system resting because I was not producing or pursuing anything, but my mind was resting because I was able to make decisions for myself without considering how it would impact anyone else. And I think that’s what I enjoyed most about being alone. It wasn’t the absence of people. It was the absence of consideration, production and pursuit.

I didn’t have to decide my day based on what made others comfortable. I didn’t have to wonder what we were doing next or if it was time to leave. If I wanted to lie in bed longer, I could. If I wanted silence, I had it. If I changed my mind, there was no one to inform.

Please, don’t get it twisted. I love my family. I love my friends. I love sharing space with other like-minded women. I genuinely enjoy being with the people God has placed in my life, so this wasn’t some realization that I would rather do life alone. Because that’s not the case…at all. It just helped me understand that today’s version of Jasmine needs a little space where I am not responsible for anyone else’s experience.

Typing that sentence made me laugh out loud because of the irony. Girl, even in my full-time role, I oversee the user’s experience and how people interact with a digital product that I manage. I literally spend my days considering the experiences of others lol.

revelation #3 - Strangers sang me Happy Birthday and the best part was when they returned to their meals and left me alone.

My cup was literally dry, and I refused to force it.

So, remember that “just in case” fit? Well, on my last evening, I got dressed and took myself to Eddie V’s for dinner. At some point during the night, complete strangers realized it was my birthday and before I knew it the lounge's pianist was playing “Happy Birthday” while a group of strangers joined in to celebrate a girl who I had to fill in the name part because they didn’t even know me. It was cute. People who knew absolutely nothing about me smiled, celebrated and offered birthday wishes before eventually returning to their own evenings…because these people didn’t owe me anything, and I don’t owe them anything.

There was just something about the freedom of obligation to entertain, take pictures, make sure they were okay…etc. that made this moment so special for me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy moments to fellowship, engage and pour into my people. It’s just that my cup was literally dry and I didn’t want to force it. I know you’re probably thinking, it’s your birthday, sis. Why would YOU be the one to pour into others on your birthday? Well for one, it's in my nature. For two, there is always some level of output our bodies exert when in group settings.

So as these strangers returned to their dinner, I returned to my solitude. And that felt good!

Revelation #4 - I wasn’t trying to pour into anybody…but God’s light speaks for itself.

So, in typical Jasmine Love fashion, my server informed me that I had inspired her to choose moments of solitude for her birthday which was coming up a few days later! She was excited about the opportunity to get dressed and enjoy dinner with herself. She expressed she just came out of a toxic breakup and while her friends were afraid she was choosing solitude out of depression, my presense confirmed to her that she just wanted to enjoy her own presense. I loved that for her!

There’s beauty in knowing that inspiration also happens just by your presence. I promise I didn’t go in there ministering or encouraging her. In simple conversation she received hope, clairty and confirmation! That made my heart smile. Because baby, when God is in you, His light shines regardless.

Revelation #5 - Rest Doesn’t Always Have to Be Recovery

Many times we rest to recover, but this time taught me that rest is also enjoyable! Rest does not always have to be recovery so that I can get back to producing. Sometimes rest can simply be enjoyment and soul restoration.

I look forward to choosing more solitude! Not necessarily the solo trips or dinners (although I would absolutely do both again) but simply the permission to create more spaces in my ordinary life where nothing is required of me in order for me to enjoy being there. Maybe this looks like sitting on the bench for moments throughout the week? Wow, I really am getting old!

But the truth is, my creative juices have been on point since this reset. Have you seen that new Woman Within flyer? THAT’S what rest looks like! I’m inspired in so many ways, back on my workout routine, cooking dinner consistently again, creativity flowing and loving on my family.

BUT my prayer is that I remain careful to pace myself so that my cup doesn’t deplete before I refill again.

So, just as the housekeeping team came knocking on my door to let me know that it was time to go back to reality. I’m sure by now that life is reminding you that you’ve taken long enough to digest all of this. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and I look forward to sharing more soon. Leave a heart and let me know if you’d like more notes like this from my Woman Within.